Quiet Please: Currently In Session


Good morning world.  Welcome to my life…

Me:  <Presses on button>

Dell computer:  <windows power up jingle> “Dun dun da dun….”  <waits 7 minutes to load> <virus software kicks in running scans + slowing down operation>

Me: “Whenever you’re ready PC...how would you like to start today?”

Dell computer: <pop up noise> “Low Disk Space.”

Me: “I see.  Tell me, can you expand upon on how that makes you feel?  Where in your body are you experiencing this satiation you speak off; this mystifying sense of always being too full even though the majority of your files have been transferred to an expensive external hard drive.”  <Gingerly picks up hammer and hefts it’s weight>   It seems to me that you’ve been in a state of emptiness for a long time PC.  Can you tell me how it feels when you hear me say this to you?  Can we talk about all those files you had to relinquish?  All those artsy photos sucking up space on the D: drive – now gone and inconveniently stored elsewhere.

Dell Computer: “Memory too low to perform operation”. “Java update available!”  “Download now?”

Me: “I hear you saying you feel a confusing sort of inertia setting in.  It’s like you want to move forwards with you life but can’t articulate your own unique needs, and consequently don’t have the wherewithal to gain any traction.   I see Java as being something you haven’t utilized for a long time PC.  Your registry says that it’s been 4 years since you last accessed that program.” <logs into Apple website> What does this mean to you?

Computer:  “Error: Permission to send Microsoft an update?  Yes/No?”

Me:  You tell me PC.  We’ve talked about how helpful that strategy was for you in the past.  <Gets up slowly>

Computer: “Can not perform that function; disk space too….wait! What are you doing? Look, I’m defragging the D: drive! I’m defragging! We’ll make more space together!  Let me just compress some of these files here.  I’ll load that page you’ve been waiting on for the past 5 minutes and then we’ll talk and…”

Me: <crunch>  (Momentary silence)  Then:

“Hello, Apple computers?  Yes, say, can you tell me more about this Mac book pro….”

Update:  If anyone has any recommendations for laptops I should be checking out, please let me know!


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